Religious Definitions You Need to Know

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
- BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending the Service.
- CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
- HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
- HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
- RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at the Service often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
- INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
- JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
- JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
- KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
- MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
- MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
- PEW: A medieval torture device still found in churches.
- PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of the Service consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
- RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of the Service led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
- RELICS: People who have been going to Church for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
- TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
- USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.